The invisible stress of the mental load

Have you ever had those mornings where you just wake up in a rage?

That was me this morning.

I noticed thoughts creeping in about feeling trapped and exhausted in the never-ending day cycle of parenting. 

Maybe you’ve had these too?

I am dangerously aware of how easy it would be to let everything just slip away into chaos, or perhaps that's just my perception of what would happen. So every day I remain vigilant and braced to stay on top of everything from planning for Christmas in July, to carefully considering how to support the individual social-emotional needs of my children in each unfolding moment, to what the fall schedules look like and how I even begin to start putting that together.

It’s an enormous mental load and it is incredibly overwhelming.  

Allison Daminger, Ph.D candidate at Harvard University breaks down mental load into four parts: 

• anticipating

• identifying

• deciding

• monitoring.

In her research, she found that women do the vast majority of anticipating and monitoring. Typically, men and women come together to identify and decide. 

You might have recognised this in your own life as ‘decision fatigue’... like when your partner asks what you want for dinner and you simply can’t bring yourself to make another decision.  

This happens a lot in my household… and sometimes my partner mistakes my response of ‘I don’t care’ for me not advocating for my needs. But the reality is I don't have any mental energy left to spare, and the decision is insignificant compared to the rest of my mental load. In these moments, my highest need is actually to not have to make one more decision. 

And this goes for plenty of other things too, not just deciding on dinner. 

So what can we do about our mental load?

Talk about it 

The more we talk about it the greater awareness and understanding there will be of this enormous invisible stressor and the impact it has on people, particularly women.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries

Set boundaries around what you will engage in and what you won't. Recognizing that each commitment you make may have the potential to add more to your plate. Remember, it's okay to let things go or assign them to someone else (if possible). I mean, who cares if the car doesn't get washed for another month? If pandemic life has taught us anything, it is about the benefits of keeping things simple.

Check out 

Create space and time to check out... Select a time to put down the mental load and commit to it! Don't look at emails, plan, make lists, anticipate or organize. Just forget about everything for a few hours, a day or even a weekend for bonus points. :)

Primal scream 

Sometimes you just need to listen to the rage bubbling inside of you and scream it out. I love screaming in the car, it's so therapeutic.

Get clear on your daily non-negotiables

Understand what supports your soul to navigate each day and protect these things. Whether that's a relaxing shower, working out, meditating, reading, coffee or quiet time. These things are a lifeline.

Just because something is unseen, doesn’t mean it doesn't require a lot of care and support.